At the End of a Loved One’s Life

In 1852, Washington Hebrew Congregation created a new cemetery on Alabama Avenue in the District of Columbia to help its congregants fulfill the obligation of providing a family burial spot for loved ones. Of course, Jewish tradition permits burial in any appropriately consecrated cemetery. There are numerous cemeteries in the Greater Washington area which are either solely Jewish, or which offer Jewish sections in larger secular cemeteries. Washington Hebrew Congregation has two cemeteries, each one unique.  

The Washington Hebrew Congregation Memorial Park (1380 Alabama Avenue SE, Washington, DC 20032) has served our members since before the founding of the Temple and the drawing of its charter. It is a place of dignity, history, and deep religious inspiration. Additionally, the Washington Hebrew Congregation Section of the Garden of Remembrance (14321 Comus Road, Clarksburg, MD 20871) offers a peaceful, contemplative, and beautiful resting place. 

If members of our Congregation wish to explore the purchase of a burial plot from Washington Hebrew Congregation, please contact: 

• Memorial Park – Theddius Baskerville at 202-339-7307
• Garden of Remembrance – Glenn Easton at 301-428-3000 

Jewish law permits burial in mausoleums but stipulates that it is appropriate that the casket be buried in the earth and the mausoleum be built around a burial plot. Reform Judaism does not insist on the precise observance of these stipulations. Washington Hebrew Congregation does have a columbarium, a wall-like structure with recesses for urns or ashes, at both of its cemeteries, and members of our Congregation may acquire a vault in either columbarium. 

Traditional Judaism does not permit cremation because it disrupts the natural process of “from dust to dust” and interferes with the Orthodox hope for physical resurrection when the Messiah comes.  Cremation often carries with it a greater sense of finality or destruction that increases the emotional stress on the family. Jewish tradition deems that burial in the earth is a more natural and fitting way of commemorating a final resting place. It provides the surviving family and friends with a focus of gathering for prayer and meditation, and expressing respect to the deceased. Cremation, however, is permitted in Reform practice. This is a personal decision and should be arrived at by the family after careful consideration of all aspects and implications. 

With the development of many modern medical technologies, the possibility of donating organs such as eyes, heart, liver, or kidneys, etc. is an important consideration. In keeping with Reform tradition, we believe that it is perfectly appropriate for individuals to express their desires and make such donations. 

If there are more detailed questions that people wish to ask in terms of religious considerations, we encourage scheduling an appointment with one of our clergy. 

When a death occurs, please notify the Temple immediately at 202-362-7100. During business hours, you will be directed to Debbie Heller or another member of our staff. Debbie will guide you through the process of determining where the funeral will take place, when it will take place, and with whom the funeral will take place. If your call is after business hours, the message on the Temple answering machine will give you a number at which you will be able to leave a message for Debbie or another staff member who will reach out to you. Together, with you and the funeral home, the determination of the appropriate day and time for the burial will be made. 

The clergy at Washington Hebrew Congregation conduct funeral services at any of the funeral homes in the Washington area, either at Jewish funeral homes or non-sectarian funeral homes. It is not our practice to recommend a funeral home to our membership. This is because these are private businesses, incorporated not only for the purpose of serving people, but also for making a profit.

We do, however, wish to advise our members that we have a special arrangement with Sagel Bloomfield Danzansky Goldberg Funeral Care (170 Rollins Ave, Rockville, MD 20852). To learn more about this arrangement, please call 301-217-9400. 

The funeral service prior to the interment may take place for any member of Washington Hebrew Congregation in the Kaufmann Sanctuary or the Albert and Shirley Small Chapel. Funeral services may also be held in the chapel of the funeral home or cemetery. Families who do not wish to have a service prior to the committal service at the cemetery may choose to have a graveside service only.  

Traditional Jewish law requires that burial take place within 24 hours after the death. Funeral services, however, are not held on Shabbat, Rosh HaShanah, Yom Kippur, and the first and last days of the major festivals: Passover, Shavuot, and Sukkot. In Reform tradition, the practice is to arrange burial as soon as possible after the death with due regard to travel needs of close relatives.

The tradition of having a burial as soon after death as possible carries with it a wise and perceptive insight into the human psyche. The funeral and burial services are a most difficult time, and delaying the ultimate affirmation of the reality of the death is, in the final analysis, not helpful. The time between death itself and the funeral is an extraordinarily trying time of waiting; therefore, it should not be unnecessarily extended. 

Although post-mortem examinations or autopsies are against traditional Jewish law, Reform practice does allow for autopsies. In general, Reform Judaism encourages an autopsy when it might be a source of useful information for the family, scientists, physicians, or medical science, or if it could protect the health of survivors who might suffer from a similar ailment. In such cases, Reform tradition would accept an autopsy, as it conforms to the supreme Jewish principle of preserving life. This again must be a decision of the family. 

Traditional Judaism requires that the casket must be completely made of wood, without any nails or metal handles. The purpose of this is to permit the fulfillment of the injunction “from dust to dust.” Metal caskets or concrete burial vaults to contain the coffin are, according to traditional Judaism, a retardation of the natural process and thus are not in keeping with traditional Jewish law. 

Reform tradition does, however, allow for alternatives if desired by the family. The cemeteries in the Washington area (and most throughout the country) may require that vaults be used at the cemetery to protect the surface of the cemetery and grounds as a safety measure for those who walk there. Funeral directors will explain specific requirements. 

Traditional Judaism ordains a ritual cleansing of the body in accordance with the stipulation laid down by the Shulchan Aruch, a code book of Jewish Law. Reform Judaism does not require this practice, but those families who wish to incorporate this tradition may do so at any of the Jewish funeral homes. Families undecided about this practice, as with all other aspects of the funeral arrangements, are encouraged to talk with the clergy who will officiate at the service.

Since both Jewish Law and Reform practice stress the respect of the human body and encourage an early burial, embalming is not necessary. It is imperative, however, that funeral arrangements be made as soon as possible. Reform tradition leaves the decision of embalming up to the family, but certainly indicates that it is not necessary, particularly when the funeral follows soon after the death. 

Traditional Judaism stipulates burial in a white shroud known as tachrichim. In death, as in life, observant Jews choose to dress the adult male in a tallit or kipah. In Reform practice, the body need not be buried in a shroud, but rather in whatever clothing the family deems appropriate. Families are encouraged to use simplicity and good judgment in making their decision. The purpose of appropriate dress is to show respect and honor to the deceased.  

Traditionally, Jewish funerals have not included flowers. Rather donations to the congregation or to a favorite charity serve as fitting substitutes where individuals wish to give a tangible expression of their sympathy and concern. In Reform Jewish practice today, donations are still the preferred expression of sympathy, however flowers may be included to beautify the service. 

Among traditional Jews, it has become the custom to have persons designated to watch the body from after it is properly prepared for burial, until the actual burial itself. The origin of this practice goes back many centuries, to a time when it was deemed necessary to protect the body from evil spirits, desecration, or robbery. Many traditional Jews, and some Reform, observe it today as another means of expressing respect and love for the deceased. This service can be provided by most Jewish funeral homes.  

Traditional Jewish law does not permit an open casket and the viewing of the deceased by members of the family or friends. Jewish tradition encourages the mourners to remember their loved one as they were when alive. Reform practice follows this idea as well. Further, it is believed that the viewing of the deceased in an open casket may have a negative psychological impact. The tendency is for the mourners to remember the person in the casket rather than as part of the circle of family or friends. In addition, Jewish tradition emphasizes respect and honor to be shown to the deceased and feels that this is best accomplished without viewing the body in the casket.

In most cases, the funeral has been announced in a local paper, thus it is a recommended practice to have a friend or acquaintance stay at your home during the funeral service. 

Black clothing worn to funerals, as to other occasions, is to reflect the mood of the religious observance. In the case of funerals, proper attire is to be dignified and somber. Traditionally, black has been worn as a symbol of grief and mourning, but other dark colors are acceptable.

Among Conservative and Reform Jews, a black ribbon is worn by members of the immediate family. Kriah, an act whereupon the ribbon is torn or cut, symbolizes that a loved one has been torn from the midst of the circle of family love. Traditionally, the kriah ribbon is worn during shiva, the first seven days following burial. In Jewish Law, there are four categories of relatives who are required to wear the black ribbon: child, sibling, parent, and spouse. Furthermore, children under age 13, along with other family and friends, are not required to perform this rite. Reform tradition, however, invites other family members who are grieving to wear the ribbon. 

For some, the kriah ribbon is an outward reminder of how one’s life has changed once regular life and work have resumed. Thus, some choose to wear the kriah ribbon for the first 30 days following burial (shloshim) as a reminder to all that one is in mourning.  

The funeral service may be conducted by any knowledgeable Jew, not necessarily a member of the clergy. Traditionally, the chanting of the cantor is accepted, though musical instruments are not included. In Reform practice today, musical instruments are accepted, along with recordings of pieces that are meaningful to the family.

In biblical tradition, we learn that Jacob’s children carried their father to the place of his burial. The practice of close relatives or friends serving as pallbearers continues today. In Reform tradition, both men and women may serve as pallbearers. Six to eight pallbearers is an appropriate number.  

If there are more than eight people you would like to honor as pallbearers, or if there is someone you would like to honor who is not physically able to walk alongside the casket, we encourage you to consider honorary pallbearers. Honorary pallbearers walk behind the casket before the family, and in this manner accompany the casket as it is moved from the service to the gravesite. 

Eulogies are not required, but are generally included in the funeral service. These reflections on the life of the deceased are helpful vehicles of grief for the bereaved. Eulogies may be given by any person, clergy, relative, or friend — Jew or non-Jew — and the clergy should be apprised of anyone wishing to speak prior to the funeral. It is also recommended that the remarks be time limited and written down. 

Traditional Jews consider it an honor and a duty to participate in shoveling earth onto the casket. As our final act of love, we show our care for the individual until the last possible moment. Placing the earth over the casket is a symbol of this. This task is usually performed by the closest relatives and friends, as well as other community leaders. The earth-filling process expresses the finality of death while giving us an opportunity to lovingly return our loved ones to the earth. For some, this duty can be extraordinarily difficult, and Reform tradition encourages mourners to choose if this is a custom they wish to observe.  

Since the act of shoveling the earth on the casket is a mitzvah, we do not hand the shovel to fellow mourners. Rather, we place it back into the dirt so that they can fulfill the mitzvah on their own accord and not have it thrust upon them. Additionally, recognizing that this is a hard mitzvah to fulfill, and one we fulfill reluctantly, the dirt is lifted using the back of the shovel. 

The purpose of the Bereavement Period is to help the mourner slowly find their way back to an active life. At the beginning of this period, during shiva, sharing stories of the deceased, looking at family pictures, and keeping a journal of your thoughts and emotions may be helpful.  

As the week of shiva passes and you move into the stage of shloshim, taking walks or bike rides, praying, reading a book, and listening to music are all ways to slowly re-enter your active life.  

Finally, it cannot be exaggerated how tiring the Bereavement Period can be. Above all else, it is important that the mourners find ample time to rest. Whether the death was unexpected or followed a long illness, the act of burying your loved one is exhausting. Do not feel guilty for finding quiet time for yourself. If need be, place a sign on the door that clearly states the visiting hours. No one will be offended by your need to be alone. 

At any point during the Bereavement Period, if you wish to speak to your Washington Hebrew Congregation Clergy, please make an appointment with us by calling 202-362-7100.  

Q: Who should sit shiva?

A: Jewish law prescribes that shiva should be observed by the parents, siblings, spouse, and children of the deceased. In Reform tradition, we do not determine who is considered close family and thus, one of the primary mourners.  

Q: How many days should I sit Shiva? 

A: “Let [the mourner] accept the schedule set down by the sages: three days for weeping, seven for lamenting, thirty days for mourning.” (Shulchan Aruch) 

When deciding how many days to observe shiva, remember that the purpose of shiva is to permit the grieving process. Jewish tradition acknowledges the difference between the first three days of shiva, when grief tends to be overwhelming, and the remainder of the week, as mourners begin to face the future. There are many reasons why one may decide to shorten shiva. For parents of school-aged children, for families who live out of town, for families who have dealt with a long illness prior to the death, or for mourners whose professions do not allow them to be away for an entire week, seven days may be too much. Carefully select the number of days that is right for your family. 

Q: Where do we hold Shiva? 

A: Shiva is typically held in the home of the deceased or the home of a principal mourner (parent, child, spouse, or sibling). 

Q: Do we need to have water outside our home? 

It is traditional to wash one’s hands when leaving the cemetery as a ritual gesture to separate the mitzvah of honoring the dead, and the mitzvah of consoling the bereaved. While a basin of water is typically placed near the exit of the cemetery, you may choose to place a basin of water and a towel outside your door for shiva, as well. 

Q: How do we light the Seven-Day Memorial Candle? 

A: “The soul is the lamp of God.” (Proverbs 20:27)  

Light is a symbol of the soul. It is a reminder of the divine spark that is in all of us. Since the soul is attached to the body as the flame is to the wick, a candle is kept burning throughout the seven days of shiva. The candle should be placed in a prominent spot and is lit without saying a blessing upon returning from the cemetery. The honor of lighting this candle may go to anyone, even a child, who is mourning the deceased. Typically, the candle is provided by the funeral home. 

Q: Must we sit on low benches? 

A: Traditionally, one would sit on the floor, on cushions, or on low benches as an outward sign of being struck down by grief. In Reform practice, it is not a requirement to observe this tradition. 

Q: Why do we cover the mirrors? 

A: The mirror is a sign of human vanity; by covering it, we remind ourselves that during this week, we need not care about our appearance. Some choose to refrain from shaving, applying makeup, or cutting their hair. 

Q: Where do I get a Condolence Book?   

A: The Condolence Book is typically included in the funeral package provided by the funeral home. You may choose to place this in a prominent spot at the synagogue or in your home for visitors to sign.  

Q: Who provides the food during Shiva? 

A: Traditionally, a mourner is not allowed to prepare food for the meal following the return from the funeral, because their focus should be on grieving for the deceased. It is considered a great mitzvah to console and care for the bereaved. Providing food for the mourner is a reminder to the mourner that life must go on. Today, friends of the family will typically provide the food for the shiva.  

Many families end up with more food than they can possibly eat or freeze. With the help of friends, we encourage you to send the surplus to a local soup kitchen or fire station. Further, if a friend asks what they can bring and you already have enough food, suggest that they make a donation — in honor of the deceased — to a local food pantry, Washington Hebrew Congregation, or to Mazon: A Jewish Response to Hunger. 

Q: Are there special foods we should eat during Shiva? 

A: It is traditional to eat round foods, e.g. lentils and hard-boiled eggs, that remind us of the cycle of life. Eggs being an obvious symbol of life are a reminder to the mourners to affirm hope in the face of death. Additionally, bread is the staff of life in Judaism and is especially appropriate at this time.

Q: What is the purpose of the service during Shiva? 

A: During Shiva, a prayer service is often held in the home of the mourners to allow them to recite the Kaddish, the prayer which praises God for the gift of life and asks God to bring peace to the world. Any knowledgeable Jew may lead the service; however, typically Washington Hebrew Congregation will provide clergy or a trained lay-leader to lead you in prayer. We will also provides prayerbooks and kippot. 

Q: Must I recite Kaddish every day? 

A: Jewish law requires the principal mourners to recite the Mourner’s Kaddish three times each day — morning, afternoon, and night — during Shiva. Reform Jews most often have only one minyan each day, usually in the late afternoon or early evening. However, if the mourners choose not to observe all seven days of Shiva and are not able to attend a daily minyan, they should not feel obligated to recite Kaddish every day. The mourners may find other creative ways to remember their loved one and praise God for life each day. 

Q: Am I supposed to go to services? 

A: On Shabbat, the mourner is encouraged to join their community at services to recite Kaddish for their loved one, even during the Shiva period. At Washington Hebrew Congregation, your loved one’s name will be recited before Kaddish for four weeks, the period of shloshim. You are encouraged to come to services to say Kaddish during this period. Additionally, it is appropriate if you wish to say Kaddish daily for the first year following the burial. After the first four weeks, please feel free to add your loved one’s name to the Kaddish list when you attend services so that it may be read before the recitation of Kaddish.  

Q: Is there anything else I should know? 

A: If you are comfortable doing so, when you are home, the doors to your home would remain unlocked so that visitors may enter on their own accord. Ringing the doorbell often distracts the mourner and causes the mourner to act as a host.  

During the funeral service and interment, it is advisable to have someone stay at your home until you return. This practice is encouraged because in most cases, the time of the funeral has been published in the paper. 

You may consider asking a good friend to keep track of who sends you gifts, provides food, or helps you during your period of mourning. 

Traditionally during shiva, one would refrain from wearing leather, fur, jewelry, or any other sign of luxury. This is an outward sign of being humbled by a loss.     

Remember, there is no need to observe all of these — choose what is helpful to you. Your role as a mourner is to take care of your family and grieve. Others are to take care of you.  

A Meal of Comfort: A meal of comfort is customarily served to the mourners upon their return home from the cemetery. The purpose of this meal is not to engage in a social celebration or to offer elaborate food. The purpose is to underscore to the grieving family the need to begin the slow and difficult process of restoring, step by step, a semblance of normalcy to their lives. Life goes on, and eating is necessary to live. 

Condolence Calls: The tradition of honoring the deceased — and more importantly, expressing our sympathy, concern, and compassion for the mourners — is an ancient Jewish practice. Judaism offers many customs and practices that may be helpful in this regard. 

Since the period of most intense and traumatic mourning tends to be from the time of death until the actual funeral takes place, Jewish tradition wisely counsels that only the immediate family visits the bereaved during this period. The immediate family is often occupied with arrangements or details relating to the service, as well as collecting their own thoughts and dealing with the profound impact of the death of a loved one.   

Following the funeral and during the period of shiva that follows, condolence calls are most appropriate and usually serve as a source of great comfort and spiritual solace for the bereaved. 

The purpose of these visits, however, should not be viewed as distracting the attention of the mourners from their intense grief. Those who visit should use the time appropriately to speak of the deceased and to reflect on the special memories from which all who were closest to the person may draw strength and support. 

There can be theological and/or psychological issues which are very difficult for the mourners during this initial time of grief. In general, most people who have come to pay their condolences will find it best to leave these more complex, yet genuine concerns for pastoral counseling, rabbinical counseling, or consultations with mental health professionals. Visitors should take their cues from the mourners, and talk or listen as needed.  

As the first year of mourning comes to an end, the family gathers again to set the gravestone. Traditionally, this would happen no earlier than eleven months following the death. The purpose of the gravestone is to keep the memory of the deceased alive, as well as to identify the grave. The setting of the gravestone is accompanied by an Unveiling Service, whose name derives from the act of removing the cloth covering the gravestone during the ceremony. Passages from psalms, other appropriate readings, and Kaddish are customarily recited. No eulogy is offered. Indeed, the unveiling is not an occasion for a second funeral. It is rather an occasion to dedicate the tombstone, and to reflect on where one is in the mourning process. 

Washington Hebrew Congregation will arrange for one of our clergy to join you, or family members may conduct this service themselves. We can provide a Service of Unveiling which we have prepared as a way to guide you through conducting your own service if you wish to do so without the assistance of a clergy member. 

Kaddish is traditionally recited daily for one month by the primary mourners — parents, siblings, spouse, and children. Some also have the tradition of saying Kaddish daily for the first year. In the Reform movement, close family and loved ones recite the prayer for 30 days following death on Shabbat or at any other time one is so moved. After the first year, which concludes the formal period of mourning, Kaddish is said during Yizkor services on the afternoon of Yom Kippur and during the pilgrimage festivals of Passover, Shavuot, and Sukkot. The Kaddish, an Aramaic prayer, affirms life, thanks God for the precious gift of life, and asks God for peace. There is no mention of death in this prayer.

It is a mitzvah to observe the anniversary of the date of death. Traditional Jews usually observe the date on the Hebrew calendar. At Washington Hebrew Congregation, we mark this date on the English calendar and observe the yahrzeit on the closest upcoming Shabbat. Our members also have the option to purchase memorial plaques to be permanently displayed in Archives Hall. During the week in which yahrzeit is observed, the plaque will be displayed outside Kaufmann Sanctuary.  

Throughout the first year of mourning and after your official period of mourning comes to an end, you may find comfort attending a Yizkor service at Washington Hebrew Congregation. Held four times during the year — on Yom Kippur and during the festivals of Passover, Shavuot, and Sukkot— the service is an opportunity for our community to come together in prayer, remembrance, and personal reflection.